AbFab's Finest Hour Lasted About Three Minutes of Series One Episode Five

A conference room…

00:11:31:  Right,  I’ve got one minute. Features. Catriona?

00:11:34: Well…do something on a car.

00:11:37: What? Do something on a car. I need a new car.

00:11:39:  A nice one, no rubbish. right.

00:11:41:  And something about how lovely champagne is. We could tie that in with some glasses.

00:11:46: A friend of mine has got a shop with lovely glasses.

00:11:48: Henrietta? Yes. Maybe we could do some lovely photos.

00:11:52: What about people? Who’s in, who’s out,

00:11:55: Who’s sexy, who’s not sexy, who’s clever, who’s not clever.

00:11:57: Who’s in, who’s out. here’s my list.

00:12:00: Cross her out, she screwed me. put him in, he screwed me.

00:12:03: Do something on river phoenix. I really fancy him.

00:12:06: Right. River Phoenix, Mickey Rourke, Liam Neeson.

00:12:09: Don’t do anything on anyone called Freud. i don’t like them.

00:12:11: Bunch of no-talents with an ancestor. but they were in last month.

00:12:15: So?  I’m not running a bloody charity.

00:12:17: I don’t have to lick their boots because some grandad invented penis envy.

00:12:21: It’s just that they’re pretty good friends of mine.

00:12:23: It doesn’t matter, but… beauty. Make it quick.

00:12:26: She’s fabulous. puts you into perspective.

00:12:29: Clarins, Shisheido, Paloma Picasso, Chanel make-up, generally…

00:12:36: Faces-eyes, lips, nostrils… this is all off the top of my head.

00:12:41: Douching with mint is a thought.

00:12:43: Ten tips on tropical toenails.  I’m thinking natural zing.

00:12:48: “moist” is my “word de jour”.

00:12:51: Lovely wet moist droplets. lusciousness.

00:12:54: I see sun, sand, water, beach…

00:12:58: Photo shoot-wise  I’m looking at two weeks in the caribbean.

00:13:01: Skin is in.

00:13:04: And the usual-try to look more beautiful if you want more sex.

00:13:07: Very good. chuck us that wrinkle cream, will you?

00:13:10: Get Hamish in here. I want to find out about the restaurant  I’m having lunch in.

00:13:14: Pats? it’s only big names this month.

00:13:17: Laurent, Armani, Lagerfeld, Oscar de la Renta. No British tat.

00:13:20: In Moscow. Glamour in the red square.  I’m not using Russians.

00:13:24: They’re all too bloody ugly. and fat.

00:13:26: 400 years of potato diet won’t squeeze into a Gautier cup.

00:13:31: If I looked like that I wouldn’t go out.

00:13:35: Magda? Hamish.

00:13:36: Tell me about the restaurant  I’m having lunch at.

00:13:40: Comfortable in the grand manner.

00:13:42: Stuffed with plutocratic goodies and a decent duck.

00:13:46: The dining room is boudoiresque, fin-de-siècle eclectic,

00:13:49: And still fashionably uncomfortable.

00:13:52: A melange, possibly a post-Orwellian version of an Edwardian eatery.

00:13:58: The food? Ecumenical in flavour,

00:14:00: A cosmopolitan adventure full of exuberant eclecticism,

00:14:04: Full of amuse-gueule and gastro-credibility.

00:14:08: No flash in the bain-marie this.

00:14:11: A comforting air. Generally, the tomatoes were rather pulpeuse.

00:14:16: Ta.

00:14:17:It’s bollocks, but it uses up paper and that’s what the magazine is all about.